Category Archives: Artist Life Questions

Artist Life Questions, Self Talk

Holding Hands with Fear

Art, like life, has many ups and downs. It makes you question yourself.  It makes you question the way you see the world. Is this the right way to view the world? What can I not see today that would filter how I view life?

I am constantly amazed at how art challenges me. It guts me, honestly.

Does what I create have value? Does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Am I really contributing when I just make something pretty? What does this mean that I want to create?

These are the questions that swirl in my head. And no offense to other artists, but I constantly am met with this guilt:

I should seriously stop wasting my time on this… You need to be doing something productive. Something that contributes to society, not blowing your time on pretty pictures. (Here is where the A-Type moron meets the creative…)

But I still create – although not nearly as much as I’d like to. And I still am haunted by the lack of creation. I am not going to lie, it feels so selfish. To think that I have some kind of voice I need to express, some kind of message to give to the world though my art.  Who the hell am I? Besides, some of my art is messages, other times it just is pretty pictures.

I have been out of the art game for some time now, consistently anyway. I devoted my time to working in a company that ultimately humiliated me. Well, a superior, not my company. And I felt like I was contributing there. I felt like I was doing something valuable with my life – most of the time anyway. But why did I feel that doing work that was profitable, was more valuable than when I create? Who is telling me this? Who has sold me this bill of goods and told me that what I do, when I initiate it on my own, is not worth the same as the work I do when I support someone else’s vision, someone else’s mission?

Do I have some kind of outlook on my own creation that lessens it’s value? Do other artists think these things? How many other artists have given up, thrown in the towel, similar to me, that have deemed their artwork worthless in the grand scheme of things?

I am comforted by Eat, Pray, Love‘s author, Elizabeth Gilbert .  In her podcast with Tim Ferriss (http://su.pr/2XjW6D), she talks in depth about pushing through, showing up, and holding hands with fear, and allowing it to be present while continuing to show up and do the work.  The podcast is really, really great by the way… just in case you’re interested…

So I am attempting to show up. I am doing a “pretty work” right now and I am going to enjoy it. I am going to push through the fear that it’s worthless, that it doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of life. I am going to try to see this as something productive to the world (despite the demons in my head). I’m holding hands with fear and allowing it’s presence to be there, but choosing to just work alongside it.

Artist Life Questions, Business

Been a Messy While…

Life can be messy.  Life can sometimes be confusing and frustrating and all kinds of weird.  It’s a hard line to draw in the sand sometimes where to step in, when to pull out, when to make the move, when to move forward and take the leap, when to consider options and to slow down… It’s a lot like the Ecclesiastes author – a time for this and a time for that… But what that fucking author fails to tell us in this great book of wisdom is, when to do what at which time!  Of course – isn’t that fitting?  The book of “Life” is basically telling you to figure it the fuck out all on your own.  Honestly?  I am actually grateful for it.  It keeps it raw, messy… real.  It keeps it real… and I love real.

Currently, I have experienced so many ups and downs within this last year and a half.  Last I checked in, I was starting a new position with a mortgage company as a compliance officer.  I loved that job.  I loved the work I did.  I think because it was challenging and focused on research and, well, it was all brand new.  I don’t know if you know this about me, but I am kind of an information whore.  I am not going to lie.  If I find a subject matter I am interested in – it is likely I will become a “mini-master” in that area.  Enough so that I can discuss and influence points on that topic and if I am further interested I will seek out credentials validating my knowledge.  I love to learn.  A true-blue, bonafide learning whore.  I guess there are better descriptors out there, but my learning is just like life – raw, messy and real.

I had to implement one of those “which times to do what” moments recently – and boy, (or girl – I am all about equality!) am I glad I did.  I took a leap and I left that job I loved at the mortgage company.  The general reason I give would of course be because the company was merging with another company – reforming under a new name… I wasn’t being talked to about my position in the new merger… I saw the writing on the wall – they were done with me. But, it was time.  The actual reasons outside of that general reason, was my boss was one of the most challenging I had ever worked for in my life.  Ruling with an iron fist, petty micromanagement, and this intense pressure to stay late, work more with little to no reward, random emotional blowups to colleagues… I felt like I was in an abusive relationship.  And so it goes, I decided I had already absorbed enough of the mortgage world to put that one to bed and venture into yet another new industry all together….  It was one of the best choices I made..

I took another position with this incredible company as a Training Coordinator.  I knew I was qualified to do the work, but I am surprisingly swept off my feet and in love with how much I truly enjoy logistics work!  It has been a whirlwind, but I couldn’t be happier.  I love this team.  I love this company, and I couldn’t be happier with my decision.  And with normal working hours, I am able to actually arrive home at a decent hour and resume some artwork that has long been overdue.  I am starting 3 projects this week… So I’ll be posting about the progress of them soon.

And life in general…  Life has been incredible.  It’s been hard, of course… raw, and messy… beautiful, but real.  And my God… Would I have it any other way?

More to come… my yearly bucket list has on it this year (and the one to come): to keep you posted and updated on life, art, and work.  And how the 3 can seem unrelated at times,  but feed our every need…

Stay tuned…

Artist Life Questions, Business

No More Gap

Well, it wasn’t very long – I officially closed the gap on my resume.  You know the one – the bleak, full of assumptions, possible pity gap that says to any prospective employer you’ve been unemployed for X amount of days.  So Hooray!  I am employed again! (No, no, it’s not in Florida or the Virgin Islands – although, I did take a trip through Florida the week before I started just to see if it would so captivate me so much that I just couldn’t leave it… But, no, although breathtaking, and the beach – Damn, the beach – I might just be too proud to live in Texas… so I came back… for now.)

I’ve been hired as a compliance officer for a Mortgage company.   Bank to banking?!  Well, yes, but no.  I was very hesitant on taking this position since my banking job sucked so much life out of me… but this is different.  Free from sales, and a LOT of legal reading, I think (I hope) I’m in hog heaven.  I mean, I was enrolled in Paralegal studies to begin the same day that I ended up starting this job…  and this is a ton of legal reading and understanding… Sometimes the universe/God works that way, yeah?  (And sometimes it doesn’t.  Because the last year it sure as hell didn’t.  As my best friend in the whole world said, “Sometimes the Universe can be a dick.”  And yes, I concur.  Sometimes, Universe, you’re a dick.  But sometimes, you’re pretty cool.)  🙂  I mean, a compliance officer isn’t necessarily the most beloved position in a company.  You’re usually the one telling people “No,” and “You can’t,” and “Guess what awesomely hard working gang?!  You can’t do your job like that anymore!  You now have to do it another way!”  So, it might be perfect.  I mean, psychology experiments EVERY DAY on how to keep people motivated, happy and excited while simultaneously pissing them off beyond belief?!  Ironically, yes please! (I’m sure I’ll change my tune on this later on)… Coupled with few interruptions at my desk,  and delicious learning and research…

Wow, am I really an artist?  Yes… yes I am…

Which is a huge revelation… I have realized over the course of these last few months, that I actually prefer technical, detailed analysis with a (semi) definite conclusion.  I like reading between the lines.  I like finding the missing link.  I like soduku.  I like finding that little, hat-wearing-white-and-red-striped-shirted-asshole.  (I will find you, Waldo.  I will.)  I like it to be organized, and founded.  I like the work to actually do something.  I like to see results.  And that is exactly what differentiated me from the current art community.  I needed to know why a composition works.  I needed to unlock or uncover a formula for acceptable, good art.  I needed to know why and what they were saying.  I couldn’t see results.  And that’s not what they want.  They want creators, not “know-how-it-all-works-ers”… And my pieces are highly technical.  I have thought about every stroke.  I have attempted to re-create reality, because in reality I see the defined.  And it’s just not popular anymore. And besides, I need to know that my work produces results.  I mean, it could, but I don’t live on “coulds…”

But all this to say, it’s only been almost 3 weeks in the compliance world.  It’s really still to early to tell in all honesty.  I might pick up the gap again… And that’s okay.  But I’m having a thrilling ride learning in the meantime (besides, I might just enter in the stock market and buy the art industry back into what I like it to be…  I joke!  I joke…).  But for now, the learning is addictive.  I truly, truly am addicted to learning.  My only fear – my greatest fear in life – is not using this knowledge for good.  And that, is and will always be, my greatest pursuit.  So cheers to figuring out the best way to use all this – to filling in the greatest gap in my heart and head – how to do stuff that’s important.

Artist Life Questions, Business, Self Talk

Always an Artist, But Back to Business

Today I finally heard from the 3rd MFA program I have applied to…

I was rejected from all 3 MFA programs.  UNT, TCU and TWU have all wished me luck, but denied my entrance.  I am heartbroken, but a little relived.  As I began pursing it, major doubts in my heart and soul arose and made me ask myself, “Is this REALLY what I want?”  And I couldn’t honestly answer it.  I kept pursuing it because I had decided to.  I had just left my old job and everything I had built to pursue it, but if I were honest with myself, I didn’t have that excitement and insatiable drive behind it.  It was more  a fear and “dear God, I hope this is the path because I am putting all my eggs in one basket” response. I remember my last semester, my sculpture professor had to review my sketchbook.  Well, I had used my sketchbook as a journal as well.  I was mortified he actually took my sketchbook in another room with him.  I had quite a few entries in there that were huge, “WTF am I doing?” questions regarding being an artist and what the hell I was doing with my life.  Something all along didn’t feel right, but I didn’t trust my feelings, so I kept on.

I didn’t really know what I wanted, so at this point I am allowing the rejections to kickstart me into another direction.  But is that the right course?  I have no idea.  Half of me, the achieving A-type moron, says, “Try Harder! You’re supposed to get great opposition from the things you’re meant to pursue!!!  Go after it!  Go for it again, and again, and again!!”  But that’s just what society’s voice is telling me.  Again, something just doesn’t feel right.  Like I am being dishonest with myself or something.  The biggest sadness and hesitation I have about leaving this path, is closing the door to teaching college art.  I really wanted to teach college art.  But even then, all my research of teaching reveals that it’s not usually a full-time position.  Very rarely is it.  So, rationalization tells me to drop that small dream and move forward.

So, Yeah, I’m going to “give up” on it to be quite frank.  I especially don’t like the idea of assuming another $30K in student loan debt, and so here’s the time that I truly take inventory of where I go and what to do.  Let’s face the facts.  I tried to get into the art program – purse my life as an artist to hopefully also teach, and failed.  And it’s okay, but now, realistically, I need to change my course again.  It’s okay to take a huge giant leap of faith and fall flat on your face.  I’m the story that no one likes to talk about but that is real, and raw, and existing.  I failed.  I accept it and move on.

So, it’s back to business.  Now I’m looking into becoming a paralegal or something in HR (and eventually moving to Florida – or maybe even the U.S. Virgin Islands).  I have a dream of living near a beach.  I am going to continue to pursue my art, but as my own, and in and on my own time.  Some artists are meant to be artists out of hobby – and God bless those who make their living from it.  You amaze me.

Artist Life Questions, Self Talk

Art Changes the Way You Think

When I first started taking art studio classes again after my 10 year hiatus, I was lost.  I couldn’t quite pick up the art lingo and tap into the key of understanding the art world and it’s thinking.  I hated conceptual art.  And what I don’t understand I tend to loathe.  But I knew I loved making art.  However, 3 semesters in, I am finding a new  love of art, conceptual and non.  I love how the creative process evolves with each new piece I make.

Art is teaching me to flex that creative muscle that has kept me in fear of doing things.  Because I didn’t have all the answers up front, I would be scared to begin a project or tackle something.  However, it has taught me that each project is an evolving work.  One might start out with a completed work in mind, but as you paint, sculpt, printmake, etc., you find yourself with a new idea building on top of the old.  It’s problem solving at its best.  And I am in love.

Recently, I have made a sculpture in my sculpture class through lost-wax casting out of aluminum.  I was so pressured to have this great, ground-breaking idea that it was paralyzing me to even get started.  So I let myself breathe, and just told myself, “Just do something, anything.”  And so I did.  A completely unoriginal,  stereo-typical type beginning art student idea.  And I told myself that it was okay, just get started.  So I began the relatively uncreative sculpture of a hammerhead shark with it’s tail that mimics a hammer end (the end that pulls the nails out).  As I began the project, my professor challenged my idea, “What if you actually mounted it on a wooden hammer handle?”  And I did.  But, after the weeks of polishing and perfecting my hammerhead aluminum piece  and mounting it on the hammer handle, I just hated it.  I felt like it was one of those pieces that I would chuck away to learning technique and learning the lost wax casting process.

However, as I was driving home from the sculpture lab yesterday, it just bothered me. “What does a hammerhead shark have to do with an actual hammer?  Why did I make such a basic piece?  Where is the creativity in this piece?” And then it struck me.  What if I changed the angles of the hammer handle?  What if I began thinking of this piece conceptually?  But what does carpentry have to do with hammerheads?  Jesus was a carpenter.   Jesus, according to Christianity,  is God and God created the hammerhead.  Then I began thinking of the Big Bang Theory and how funny it would be to wait around for millions of years for this piece to have all the right circumstances to be in existence…. But there was a maker who made it in an instant… Me.

All this to say, I drove straight home to begin the second session on my piece, chopping up and gluing this hammerhead handle together. And although it’s not in it’s completed form just yet, I now am excited about this piece.  It challenged me in thinking about angles, and how the space interacts with the piece, and how gravity interacts with it… It jived my creative juices and made me problem solve and assemble something that started out with little thought, but took me on a wild journey of concept thinking.

It’s nothing ground-breaking, but it sure taught me some ground-breaking lessons.

Big Bang. Aluminum lost-wax casting, wood, nails. 2014.
Big Bang. Aluminum lost-wax casting, wood, nails. 2014.
Artist Life Questions, Business

A Road Less Travelled…But Better

About 2 weeks ago, I found out I was not accepted into the M.F.A. in painting Program I applied for.  It was explained that one of the the reasons for denial was that I applied late (other reasons were my art wasn’t accepted, and that the program was already full – I am positively assuming  that it was either full or I didn’t “meet departmental standards” since I applied late.)

Such is life.  But it was a great thing.

After finishing a second painting course over the semester, my Professor explained it isn’t really looked highly upon that you attend the same M.F.A. Studio program in which you received your undergraduate degree.  There is apparently a small stigma on those who do that!  Well, that’s a good thing for me!  So, I am now attempting to apply to 5 different schools – hopefully by Sept. 1st.  2014.  Two of the schools I hope to apply to are also out of the DFW metroplex.  So, here goes nothing… or rather, everything.

And Thanks TWU for rejecting my application.  I had no idea you wouldn’t be a good fit for me.  🙂

Artist Life Questions, Business, Self Talk

a.a.art is born

"Reach for Grace" Pastel. 2000.
“Reach for Grace” Pastel. 2000.

Today is monumental.  I have published my first website (still under construction of course).

I have one week left of undergraduate painting classes.  By May 19th, I will have officially applied for my first juried exhibition.  And by May 31st, I will have officially applied for the M.F.A. in Painting at TWU.  It’s going to be a good year.  And I am going to need a lot of coffee.