Today I finally heard from the 3rd MFA program I have applied to…

I was rejected from all 3 MFA programs.  UNT, TCU and TWU have all wished me luck, but denied my entrance.  I am heartbroken, but a little relived.  As I began pursing it, major doubts in my heart and soul arose and made me ask myself, “Is this REALLY what I want?”  And I couldn’t honestly answer it.  I kept pursuing it because I had decided to.  I had just left my old job and everything I had built to pursue it, but if I were honest with myself, I didn’t have that excitement and insatiable drive behind it.  It was more  a fear and “dear God, I hope this is the path because I am putting all my eggs in one basket” response. I remember my last semester, my sculpture professor had to review my sketchbook.  Well, I had used my sketchbook as a journal as well.  I was mortified he actually took my sketchbook in another room with him.  I had quite a few entries in there that were huge, “WTF am I doing?” questions regarding being an artist and what the hell I was doing with my life.  Something all along didn’t feel right, but I didn’t trust my feelings, so I kept on.

I didn’t really know what I wanted, so at this point I am allowing the rejections to kickstart me into another direction.  But is that the right course?  I have no idea.  Half of me, the achieving A-type moron, says, “Try Harder! You’re supposed to get great opposition from the things you’re meant to pursue!!!  Go after it!  Go for it again, and again, and again!!”  But that’s just what society’s voice is telling me.  Again, something just doesn’t feel right.  Like I am being dishonest with myself or something.  The biggest sadness and hesitation I have about leaving this path, is closing the door to teaching college art.  I really wanted to teach college art.  But even then, all my research of teaching reveals that it’s not usually a full-time position.  Very rarely is it.  So, rationalization tells me to drop that small dream and move forward.

So, Yeah, I’m going to “give up” on it to be quite frank.  I especially don’t like the idea of assuming another $30K in student loan debt, and so here’s the time that I truly take inventory of where I go and what to do.  Let’s face the facts.  I tried to get into the art program – purse my life as an artist to hopefully also teach, and failed.  And it’s okay, but now, realistically, I need to change my course again.  It’s okay to take a huge giant leap of faith and fall flat on your face.  I’m the story that no one likes to talk about but that is real, and raw, and existing.  I failed.  I accept it and move on.

So, it’s back to business.  Now I’m looking into becoming a paralegal or something in HR (and eventually moving to Florida – or maybe even the U.S. Virgin Islands).  I have a dream of living near a beach.  I am going to continue to pursue my art, but as my own, and in and on my own time.  Some artists are meant to be artists out of hobby – and God bless those who make their living from it.  You amaze me.